:: Truth is Beauty ::

:: January 14, 2004 ::

I've been trying to read Our Daily Bread since I got back, and sometimes it ministers to me... I try to think over the passages it mentions specifically and I usually end up reading more than they say.

But I was just reading now about how Jesus had compassion on everybody he healed.. Like he looked at them and I can sorta see his face fill with love and tenderness and he ignores all the naysayers around him and just touches them, or says, "your sins are forgiven you--go and sin no more." What would it be like to regularly hang out with God? And to actually know that it was Him you were hanging out with? To put on your away message.. "Hey, I'm gonna go chill with Jesus for awhile.. I'll bbl." I wonder, if He were here today, would Jesus hang out with me? Would I be cool enough to get some of His attention? Could I hug Him sometimes, like He was my brother? Would we play cards and scrabble together? Of course He'd always win because he's perfect, but maybe one day He'd be nice and throw me a bone, hehe. Somehow I get the feeling that He knew I was going to write that and He's laughing at me in heaven.. and I don't mind. As a matter of fact I hope I could make God and Jesus laugh, or at least smile with teeth :-D
I've decided to forego breakfast for journaling today. Maybe later on if I have time I can take a nap because I am rather sleepy. Sometimes I feel bad about the mistakes I make but then I remember the Daily Bread talking about how remembering mistakes of the past in no way helps for the future, so I will try not to think of them so much. I hope that God isn't too very displeased with me, but I won't call myself a failure because I know He loves me or otherwise He wouldn't let me think about this. I just wish I could see Him and maybe cry with my face in his shirt which would smell like cinnamon and vanilla. That would make me feel good. God, I wonder why you want us to live without seeing You now. I know that it's not meant for me to understand right now, but I still wanna know. I just want to know why Your path is so narrow, why we had to sin at the Beginning and be stuck with this stupid inherently sinful nature. Only You are perfect...

I need a hug and some encouragement. And I need a friend. These are private journals so I can end them anyway I want.
:: Laura 9:30 AM [+] ::
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For a long time now, there's been something holding me back from journaling here. I know this is supposed to be a blog for the truth of the matters in my heart, and I suppose the reasons I couldn't bring myself to even check this out have something to do with Satan wanting to keep me in bondage for as long as he can, and the fact that I still haven't been completely honest with myself.

I still don't want to write this, so it's hard.. bear with me.

I've known for a while now that God created us all for praise, but especially me. I've been thinking about this for almost 4 years now and still haven't told anyone.. At the oddest times, the music in my head is praise/worship music.. songs I haven't even heard in ages so I know the're unrehearsed praises to God. It's sort of frustrating as well because sometimes they resurface while I'm enjoying sinning, which displeases God, I know.
I'm still struggling with the same old sin, and I'm reminded of that verse that talks about the dog returning to his vomit. It's true.. I once saw Josh's Dad's dog, Poncho, eat his own dried excrement once, and I wanted to hurl, seriously. As a Christian, I know that God intends more for me than what I'm living right now, but I just can't seem to shake this thing at all.. I'm not even sure what's going on anymore it's so tangled up in itself.. I feel like no matter how hard I try to take it it the altar and leave it there for God to work out that either He can't or won't or maybe I'm standing in the way of something? I don't even know. I've tried so hard to put myself in the situation where I could be rescued but nothing works because I find myself back where I started. I don't want my whole life to be surrounded in this Josh thing, but I don't necessarily want to say, "God, take this away from me and break the soul-tie by any means necessary" because that might mean Josh could die or be hurt and he doesn't deserve that on my account. I guess that just means I don't trust God to do things the right way. And that's gotta hurt Him.

I just want to cry, though.. I mean every single moment I'm reminded of His awesomeness and the wisdom and foresight it took to put the world together such as it is and I hate myself for not trusting, but I don't even think I know how to do that anymore.. No childhood traumas have done that to me, only a life that's been steeped in secret sins--the worst kind--for years and years and years despite a Christian upbringing. I know He must consider me a spectacular failure to do His will..

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Maybe this was a start, though.
:: Laura 2:08 PM [+] ::
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